Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Wonderfully Miserable

Ok, I'm miserable. My seasonal allergies, which have been left untreated this season due to Baby Clinton, have won. I am down and out and if my life depended on it I couldn't smell my way out of the garbage dump. I'll happily take out the trash this week.

So, what to do? Bury myself under heaps of Kleenex, or celebrate the best reason in the world to feel so terrible. I'll choose to be wonderfully miserable and in my spare time campaign to get rid of every mountain cedar tree in the state of Texas.

Have a great night, I'll be downstairs in the guest room so at least Kevin can get some sleep.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Random Thoughts

It's been two months since my last post, not for any particular reason, I just can't seem to get any words wrapped around my thoughts. I do my best thinking sometimes in the middle of the night. God often gives me a song, a scripture, a memory, a dream, something to represent what's going on in my life. When Luke died, I would pray that the Lord would send him to me in my sleep. Weird, huh? Even more unbelievable, I believe God did just that. On those nights I would sleep peacefully and wake "full" when most mornings I awoke "empty".

There has been so much happening at the end of 05, beginning of 06. I am thankful for so much and at the same time wrestle with many unanswered prayers. Prayers for others who need the Lord to answer them. I think especially of Joe and Laura and Ira. How long, Lord? We call and call and wait for you to answer this prayer of healing. This little boy has changed the lives of all of us. He has drawn us to you, to each other, to his family, but we need this child to get better. I think of friends who struggle in a marriage stressed by financial needs and the strain of ministry. Please restore this family. I think of others who have given themselves to you and yet every day is hard. So what am I to learn from all of this and how do I celebrate good news in my life when others are barely hanging on.

I remember a time when I thought my life would never be blessed again. A time when I couldn't get out from under the burdens of grief, sorrow, emptiness, and feeling abandoned by the God who promised to work all things together for good. I still live out every day, "Lord I believe, help me with my unbelief". There is so much about suffering in the world that I will never understand. What I do understand is that although we sometimes feel abandoned, He never leaves us. He will continue to remind us through His word, the love of others, and our life experiences, that even the worst situation imaginable will not separate us from His love. Our responsibility is to be Jesus to those who can't find Him anymore. Whether they have never known Him, or just can't get out from under the burden of sin, doubt, exhaustion, we must never give up, and I believe that we will be the hope for those who have none.

I pray today that God will work many miracles this year. That He will encourage us with signs and wonders that strengthen our resolve and restore a tired people. May we all remain steadfast during difficult times and not grow weary. He knows the desires of my heart, of your heart, and through His Son, we will be more than conquerors, even when it feels like we can't lift our heads out of the foxhole.

It has been five years since our son, Luke, was born and then died. I have said before that I would tell his story, and it would make since on this anniversary that I would do so, but it's not the right time. God hasn't laid it on my heart to go there. I'm not sure why, but it's not in me to tell yet. It has been a "weird" anniversary, and I believe that God has given us many miracles this season to help us through what should have been a very difficult Christmas. We definitely had our moments, but we were comforted at the same time. For two years, we have been trying to have another baby. We saw a specialist, did everything we were "supposed" to do, and gave it over to the Lord, because month after month, we lost hope. Well, God gave us hope exactly when I think He thought we would need it most. This season of mourning was lifted with a season of celebration as we prepare to welcome a new baby in July. We are overwhelmed by this gift. We are encouraged by this gift.

And so, Baby Clinton, we anticipate your arrival with humility and thanksgiving and with many prayers. We remember your brother with the hope of reunion and are reminded how much we love him, and you.